Incidents of Misogyny prevailing over India

While 2014 has ushered in debates and outrage over sexual harassment of interns by retired judges as well as rapes of foreign tourists, we are continuously bombarded with news updates of the next crime via twitter hashtags and status updates on Facebook. Musing over the last year’s memories, I can confidently say that though we have realized the importance of women having rights, we have yet to cover many further milestones.

 Here, I would like to recall two distinct incidents that occurred in 2013 and brought home the fact that the position of girls is indeed precarious.  :

Incident No. 1

I was waiting with my parents at a railway station in a city. It was in October and I had come to appear at a competitive examination in the city. Now we were waiting for the train to arrive, seated within the first class railway lounge. There was another family in the same lounge. It was a couple with their 3 young children, two of them being girls. The man was employed in the Indian Army (judging from his manner) and was certainly holding some important position (now and then a few jawans would appear at the lounge, salute him and then converse something with him).

While I was minutely observing his kids( having nothing better to do at the moment), two jawans turned up at the lounge and saluted him. One of them with a packet of ladoos in his hand loudly conveyed, “Sir, Subedar X ne ye mithai bheja he. Ladka hua he.” (Subedar X has sent these sweets. A son has been born to him). The mithais were accepted and the Officer conveyed his greetings to the father of the newborn.

I did not know the family nor they knew us. When our respective trains turned up at the station, the family left first and later we left as well. But I was left with a barrage of questions.  Why do we celebrate the birth of a son with ladoos? Wouldn’t it be proper if every new born was welcomed in a family, irrespective of gender? What did it speak about the behavior of a person who accepted the ladoos without question? And of the attitudes prevailing among our armed forces?

 I had no answers then and felt it improper to interrupt the conversation between the jawans and the officer at that time.  But in my heart I felt a deep sadness.

Incident no. 2

It was December and I was listening to a radio broadcast on my mobile. It was an hourly program on menstrual problems of adolescent girls on Vividh Bharati Channel and a gynecologist had been invited to answer questions regarding the female body and hygiene. As the anchor fired off questions one after the other on menstruation, the gynecologist answered them at length, citing hormonal changes in the female body as well as physical appearance of girls.

At a certain juncture, the gynecologist, in reply to a question posed by the anchor, stated: Mothers should watch over their daughters, so that their daughters do not indulge in such activities that lead them to pregnancy.

Once again I was reminded about the low position of girls. Here, the expert in question was a female who thought it necessary to caution mothers (the target audience is certainly women) by keeping watch over their daughters. Again I felt myself being stabbed by questions: Was the mother solely responsible for watching over her daughter/ daughters? What if the mother was not around and was working far away (construction site/ factory / school/ college/ bank/ office) or was dead? What about those scenarios where a family friend or guardian molested the girl frequently? What about the victims of sexual assault and those who were disabled as well, making them vulnerable to the mercy of others? And the psychological impact of an unwanted pregnancy on an adolescent girl at a time when the Indian society is harsh towards victims of sexual assault and rape? While progress in court trials moving at a snail’s pace sums up the feeling of ‘delayed justice means denied justice’?

I do not have answers to these questions as well.

 Beauty and superstition- a lethal tango for women in India

Some weeks ago one of my relatives died. She was suffering from a rare form of cancer and due to time lapses in obtaining medical aid, her disease progressed fatally and she met an untimely end.

When my relative R was alive, she was greatly admired for her beauty and grace. In her youth she was the cynosure of all eyes. Naturally the web of rumours flew fast and thick and circled around her. People were jealous of her beauty and sought to malign her reputation. Her husband was posted frequently across various places, and hence she could not have a career. Neither did her husband permit her to work, citing her responsibilities to her family. Her talents dried up over time in the same way as a plant would dry up in a desert over lack of water.

 Her married life was fairly good, yet after a certain point of time she developed depression. R frequently complained of diseases present in her body and of shadowy characters who would hang around their rented house in her husband’s absence. She worried over trivial issues and confided more than once, that she feared for her life. Towards the latter part of life, R’s domestic life became chaotic: her husband had a violent streak in him and often assaulted her physically. Moreover she was subjected to jibes from him. Her health took a heavy toll which worsened over time, till she lost the battle to cancer.

Today R is no more. She suffered greatly on account of her beauty some people say. I want to pose some questions to people now:

Is it a crime to have a beautiful face?

Does a person’s beauty give the impression that she is a good prey for all those sadistic predators hanging around the corners?

Why should a girl suffer taunts if she is not pretty at all yet has brains to prove her worth?

Why married women cannot have a career if they are willing to exercise their wishes?

Why is it that in some parts of India, a woman who asserts her rights is branded a witch?

Or if she complains of sickness or diseases people are likely to take her to an ojha than a doctor?

That if she complains of domestic violence, people are likely to check her horoscope for some planetary influence and ask her to ‘settle down amicably’ with her husband, rather than file a complaint on her behalf at the nearest police station and shirk away from providing any monetary aid or offering mental solace to the victim, prevent her from self-guilt and confusion over her priorities?

Why is it that we do not wish upon to intrude upon ‘family privacy’ inspite of the telling signs of domestic violence, though we are eager to scoop up any juicy tales of marital infidelity or rapes happening across the state or country from our friends and neighbours, or are willing participants in the morbid craze to comment on the personal lives of any woman in our neighbourhood?

Why do we believe that only alcoholics assault their wives and disbelieve reports of non-alcoholics/tea-tollers/pan-chewers/beedi smokers assaulting their wives as well, citing that perhaps the wife ‘must have triggered it by her loud mouth’?

I have no answers to these questions. The smoke rising from R’s funeral bears mute testimony to her memories and the agony she suffered at the price of being an woman born in a cynical society and married to a despotic husband. I wish I was old enough to ring the bell on her behalf.

Child Marriage in India- Part 1

                           The menace of early marriage in the lives of girls

In Ancient India, the marriages of girls took place in their teens mostly. In matrilineal societies women had the freedom of choice .Our sacred texts mention the weddings of royal princesses such as Draupadi and Kunti, where the eligible young men of royal descent gathered and the princess would garland someone as per her choice, followed by a proper wedding of the couple. There were certain tests to test the young men and the one who succeeded in all the tests, was deemed worthy of the princess.

At times the swayambars would lead to quarrels between the princes, which would further lead to a bloodbath. But, it must be remembered that only princesses had their ‘swayambars’ ; there is no mention of the lives of the common men and women in the texts, which implies that perhaps the ordinary young girl was bound to wed someone pointed out by her family, or (if she was lucky) could marry someone she loved.

However with the passage of time certain things were rigidly comparmentalised. The Smrtis brought down the marriageable age still lower by dividing the marriageable girls into five classes:

(1) Nagnika or naked,

(2) Gauri, 8 years old,

(3) Rohini, 9 years old,

(4) Kanya, 10 years old and

(5) Rajasvala, above ten years.

Nagnika was regarded as the best stage, hence many girls were married at that stage itself.

It did not help that in Medieval Era invaders invaded India and looted and plundered everything. Education for women was completely forgotten: they remained confined to homes from birth to death, married off in childhood itself and deprived of all opportunities. Moreover, there was a belief that girls must be married before puberty. As a result girls who did not get married early remained unmarried forever. They were considered a burden on their families and some of them turned to prostitution in order to support themselves.

 

Education, Access and Women

Today we see women advancing in all spheres of life. In fact, it is more common to see women anchoring during certain talk shows on the telly and as news readers, staring at you with eyes focused on the topic at hand.

However we must remember that it took centuries before women could be seen this public....

In the past when the  alphabet was invented and the first scrolls were being written, women studied alongside men...after all gurukuls housed male as well as female students. Some of the Vedic hymns were written by female experts. Many of the ancient treatises are lost to us now, but if found would have reflected creativity of the female intellectuals of the time.

Come Medieval times and a big question mark arose over women. When life was in peril, how could one think of education? Girls were confined to four walls and remained in four walls till death. In fact they had little knowledge of the world beyond their village. The exceptions were of course the prostitutes, as they gossiped with men of various ranks. In fact  some of the courtesans were often spies for certain rival kings, who sent them for information-gathering. And very rarely, if a female ruler was on throne, she had to keep abreast of all information in order to keep stock of assassination attempts or coups.

Beyond politics, female education was in knots. Many mythical serials portray love-lorn princesses writing letters to their beloved and sent them through a bird. These birds were highly trained; however the success of the letter reaching its destination  was dependant on numerous factors( weather conditions could blow the bird off course, or it might be attacked and killed by a predatory bird or a poisoned arrow)....

Today centuries later, when we are tweeting around, posing for a Facebook profile, we must be thankful to the reach of modern technology that has enabled us to convey everything in a short nanosecond.


 

Price and Prejudice

In homes across India, all parents goad their children to do their best for the 10th and 12th Board Exams. While the kids slog on a table, parents scan their progress, keep foodstuff and crunchy munchies handy and all the while praying for the best. After the 12th Boards, the problem of sending the ward to a good university for graduation comes up. At least for girls.
If the girl was born in a metro, these problems do not usually arise, cos the distance to a good college or university can easily be shortened if you know the bus/train/auto routes or have your own private vehicle or somebody to drop you. But for a small-town gal, the bumps on the road to a bright career are many. Family circumstances may force you to drop your plans for further studies outside. And assuming parents are willing, the next problem is the Problem of local guardian. You may have good friends and relatives in the city, but once you drop the hint of local guardian, you see their smiles vanishing as fast as the ice on Antarctica. Sure, boys have their own set of problems, but  to be the local guardian of a girl ?! What if she falls in love and runs away? Or what if she gets in trouble with the roadside Romeos and dishonours our name ? Questions like these bubble up in the minds of the 'local guardians' even when the parents offer multiple assurances. And the poor girl has to swear the family honour above all her wishes and desires....And if any hint is detected in that area, the gal is immediately packed off and her further education stopped. And married off without much ado to somebody unseen and unheard before....

Gals of India, before committing yourself to any foolish and desperate attempts to end your life, Please go thru Indian laws, especially The Protection of Women From Domestic Violence Act,2005. Seek help of NGO's who take up the cause of women and keep your certificates handy for a job suited to your education level.

FOOD AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The attack on Celebrity Chef  Nigella Lawson at a posh London restaurant by her millionaire husband has raised many eyebrows. I had observed Nigella's Tv episodes once and loved her big smile as she went around the kitchen, cooking and sharing tips at the same time.

Traditionally, women have been associated with creation. Creation includes food recipes as well. Women were expected to observe and create masterpieces that were pleasing to the eye and appealed to taste. Girls observed their mothers and other female members and helped them in and around the kitchen.

So far, so good. BUT, if your wife's culinary skills were not upto the standard of your mom, or failed to create the magic in certain recipes, the woman in question would be in serious trouble.Women were likely to face physical abuse over a late serving of food from their husbands.  Neighbours and Relatives would be ready to speak against a Mrs. Somebody if during a festival she failed to add 'a little bit salt here, a pinch of haldi there' and so on. No matter if the poor soul was sweating profusely, stuck with work inside a hot kitchen, while everyone sat outside in cool settings. Dowry deaths were caused commonly inside the kitchen or nearby.

Today, in spite of serious advancements in food technology,new machines and ready-to-eat idlis,dhoklas,gulab jamuns and other famous food packets marketed by big companies ( Kitchens of India), we still expect women to be experts in kitchens. She must sacrifice her time and energy for her family. If guests arrive unexpectedly, the best food item must be served to them. In some cultures women can dine only when the men have finished their meals and kept 'leftovers' for the women to dine later. Indian women are expected to fast for their husbands, and wait hungry till the husband arrives from work. If the wife has a job, she may be excused perhaps ( in a nuclear family this is easy), but in joint families established in rural surroundings, societal norms are strictly in place. Chaatwalas and Gol-gappa stalls are more frequented by men than women. And normally you do not expect boys to help in kitchens nor men cooking( there are exceptions). Hotels in metros have male chefs with impressive resumes and stellar cuisines to impress diners, but your kitchen has to be supervised by a woman.

The fact is, whether you are a celebrity chef, a director of a  firm or an ordinary housewife, kitchen duties are a part of your life, a survival trait handed down from generation to generation.  But my request to the men who throw tanturms even after crossing their teens is, please spare a thought for the woman in the house (mom/sister/wife/girlfriend/live-in partner,daughter/ mother-in-law,sister-in-law,daughter-in-law and even those neighbourhood aunties who may be willing to help in the face of an emergency). God has given you two hands for productive work. If something failed to cheer your tastebuds, stop blaming the cook in question. It would be far better to call up for free home deliveries, or do something yourself.

Companies like Nestle and Cadbury have also been involved in court disputes , owing to the unique shape of the popular Kit-Kat chocolates.
It is imperative for businesses dealing in confectionary items to have protection of their products' shapes, sizes, packaging, logos
, colors and even sounds. Not all candy dreams turn sweet, for imitation of certain shapes may result in swallowing a bitter pill at times !